In the cart of the beholder

Naturally, it’s always interesting when you come across a dude at the corner of Polk & Post with two full aluminum screen doors sticking out of his shopping cart. But, what’s even more whacky is when you encounter the same dude at the same corner four hours later with a full bale of straw strapped to yet another shopping cart.

If the next time I bump in to him, he has a minitruck with a gold chain strapped to the top of his cart, I’m gonna tell him to stop stealing shit from my hometown.

Speak your mind on public Loin toilets

With such a large population of homeless people dwelling, or others from around Bay Area hanging out in the streets of the Tenderloin, it’s not a surprise that the neighborhood has a public defecation problem. (Although, to be fair, this is a problem in other parts of the city as well.) Basically, there aren’t enough public toilets to supply the demand, since what goes in must come out. Unfortunately public toilets are not only really expensive to build and maintain but also really hard to plan and design to make them efficient and appropriate to the needs, ie you can’t just cut a hole in the sidewalk and call the job done.

Back in September it was announced that the city, inspired by the success of parklets, was studying a plan that would put eco-friendly, translucent public toilets in parking spaces that were being dubbed: pooplets. These pooplets are being designed by Oakland-based Hyphae Design Lab, in partnership with the North of Market/Tenderloin Community Benefit District and SF Clean City. They’re still in the design phase but are starting to do some neighborhood outreach to keep the public informed of their design process, schedule, and what the possibilities are.

So today at 2 and 5:30pm they’ll be hosting two town hall meetings to hear feedback from the local residents, to answer questions and hear suggestions. Now it’s your turn to give your two cents on this issue that, if you live in the neighborhood, has showed up on your front door or under your shoes more than once. They’d like to get input especially on

-Where the toilets should be located
-What they should look like
-How to encourage proper usage

And if you can’t attend, send your suggestions to Hyphae Design or the NoM-TL Community Benefit District.

This is my cellphone rant

The other day, I received a notification in the mail about some new cellphone antennas being proposed for installation at 1010 Bush Street by AT&T. If your ass is properly trained for a long sit and you want to see a good show, head to the First Congregational Church at 1300 Polk on November 2 at 7PM. Every nut (with no offense to our beloved “nutjob” commenter) will crawl out from from every conceivable rock to speak up against this and delay the installation, which I might add will most likely happen anyways because people want a mobile network that actually works.

And so, after dusting up on NIMBY classifications, my rant begins. What gives, SF? Cellphone reception, and specifically data reception here is probably the shittiest I’ve ever encountered. Driving through Central Oregon where my phone would say Edge, I would still get speeds that rivaled the “3G” I have here. And don’t even get me started on Portland, New Orleans, and NYC which I’ve been to in the last year to realize what 3G actually is and let me tell you, it’s awesome. Oh, and for the record I’ve been a subscriber to AT&T, T-Mobile, and briefly used Verizon. They all suck here. Dropped calls are standard and data speeds are like trying to download porn in 1996.

Yeah, yeah I know, “Cellphone signals give you cancer!” I’ve seen arguments back and forth on this and honestly, at this point, cellphones are the least of my worries in shortening my life because I have news for you: we will all indeed die eventually. We should be a great deal more worried about the jet fuel exhaust being slathered through the immediate atmosphere by air traffic from SFO and OAK. Or, how about all the car exhaust from idling commuters because we fought having proper elevated expressways across San Francisco and made Van Ness a “highway”?

Nah, it’s obvious that it’s the cellphone signals we need to loose sleep over. People believe it to be imperative to stop San Francisco, this supposedly amazing hub of 21st century technology, from having decent connectivity. Just another sign that while convinced otherwise, we’re a First World city insisting on approaching life in a Third World way. I call this living in the Fourth World. I’ll wrap this up before I get hurled over my handlebars by a pothole and a PG&E transformer explodes.

Tenderloin Studio

For Rent: Newly painted studio with Murphy Bed, near neighborhood cafe. Lots of air, lots of natural light, and presumably quite affordable. Contact photographer and Tender friend Brandon Doran for more details. First, last, security, and pet deposit required.

Ignorance is strength

A couple of years ago, a middle-aged and quite liberal father of a friend of mine was bemoaning having voted for Schwarzenegger at a dinner. Everyone around the table set down their salad forks and said a unanimous, “What the fuck?” I realized at that point, we are really, really under-evolved species because if someone says, “I vant to open up da bookz and let da sun shine in” and you believe that this will somehow fix the state budget problems, then there really is little hope.

I believe that in the above piece, the creator is trying to say, “we don’t know dick” in a more succinct kind of way. I don’t think this is meant to be one of those “genius” Obama is Hitler posters (another sign of how we’re generally fucked) although I have to admit I’m not blown away by the font choices, albeit that is totally subjective.

Death Dealer looks for the living

Not sure if it’s a reference to the Underworld series, but hell fuckin’ yes. If that doesn’t make mothers shield you from their children, nothing will.

Because taking trash downstairs is hard, man

It appears that Asshole: the Boom Maker has a slightly retarded cousin living over on Larkin above Pho tau Bay. We witnessed this the other night when we saw him walk over to the window above the awning and toss a bag full of garbage down through the hole for the fire escape. It missed some people walking by about two feet while Tosser ran back inside. That cat you see in the upper right of the photo was very much not amused by the ordeal. He seems to be thinking “no wonder the city will now hire 200 people to sweep the sidewalks and pick up trash. Moron.”

Let’s just get it straight that if some of you people want to start a new trend of tossing shit out your windows on to the sidewalk (this includes cigarettes) please let me know when you’ll be walking by my window so that I can practice juggling my collection of hammers. Spoiler: I suck at juggling, but have a lot of hammers.

The turkey on Sutter has been found

Several years ago I was going over to Berkeley on a daily basis to take language classes that would eventually allow me to converse with our beloved “nutjob”. One day, some dude wearing a Raider’s blanket for a cape was walking around yelling, “Blah! Hammock! Blah, blah!” all while carrying a frozen, unwrapped turkey.

In many ways, that made a great deal more sense than what I saw today coming back from my Zumba class (ditch the workout, join the party, bitches) which was a very similar turkey just sitting on Sutter at Larkin near where the tranny hookers do their thing and give the Whoa Man the salty flavoring we all love. I have no idea where this turkey came from and I have no idea where it’s going, but naturally, I photographed that mofo in order to share its glory with you.

We declare it officially tagged

Yes, it finally happened. Someone looked up at this long-empty building at the corner of Sutter & Taylor in Academy Downs and thought, “Huh, can I climb up on that meager single layer of scaffolding? Yes, I can. Now, can I enter through an open window with a sack of fat caps? Why yes, I can do that as well.” And then he (or maybe she, but I doubt it) went to town on the windows. I have no idea what these letters are spelling, although it may be the final clue in naming the Zodiac killer in which case I’ve totally missed out and will now drown by myself in Manhattans made with Pappy Van Winkle because I just might be insane.

To new AoA students: Don’t puke on my building

As I don’t have children, I’m happy to say that I’ve only been puked on once in my life. I was going to an interview at Yelp’s old office (not to work at Yelp, who are ass, but another company there) at Mission & Third when some down-and-out woman hurled all over the ground with some of it splattering on my shoes. Thankfully, once in the office, Yelp CEO, Jeremy Stoppleman’s idiot Vizsla licked off my shoes and gave a rather copacetic balance to everything.

Keeping that in mind, I find that you have passed in to adulthood when a) you are able to buy condoms without giggling and b) understand alcohol. In that later one I mean that 1) you know what your limit on drinking is, 2) have grown enough of a pair to hold in the urge to hurl if you’ve passed the limit and suck up the hangover the next day, or 3) if you just can’t handle it, that you realize human beings puke in the gutter, not on the side of someone’s building.

To come up short on this shows what a feral little idiot you might be as I see that summer is now over and we are to again welcome to the newest crop of Art Academy larvae to the neighborhood.