I’m farting pride out of every orifice to bring you this special All Crime Edition of The Tender because well, there are crimes happening every day in the Tenderloin and why the hell not point out the obvious?

We start off with a small dispute between Emelia and Les at Cafe Royale caused by the theft of some artwork from the cafe. We had gotten wind of this stinky mess last week from avid reader Eugene and then from seeing the flyers everywhere around the neighborhood, but we were too lazy to investigate further and, well, we’re having our next TenderNights at Cafe Royale with 200 Yards and didn’t want to take sides in the matter. But today Tender friend and Loin neighbor Leanne explained the drama for SFist readers, so go take a look at it. No idea how it’s going to resolve and as one commentor on SFist pointed out, how on earth is $400 almost rent? I’ll have wherever she’s living.

Protesting unpaid monies via badly drawn cartoons

From broken promises, we move on to broken records in that misfit turds are stealing them from Chambers. I mean, really? Those aren’t the newest Bon Iver vinyls in there gang. What’s up with that? The thieves probably only tip 10% too. We’ve heard the burgers are mighty fine, yet that doesn’t stop all the wannabe DJs from stealing their interior decoration apparently. I guess matching forks and spoons weren’t enough?

The temptation is too high for vinyl lovers at Chambers

Then we move on to the whirling shit tornado that is Turk Street as they recently “discovered” what we all pretty much known in that it’s the worst street in the Loin, or more specifically, that the first block of Turk (at Market) is the worst block. Apparently The Tenderloin Housing Clinic (THC) and the Central City SRO Collaborative analyzed public data compiled by the San Francisco Police Department between November 2010 and May 2011, and found that the first block of Turk Street has 35 times more violent crimes per 1,000 residents than the rest of the city. The report, Taking Back Turk, was presented to the press on Wednesday, which explains why all of a sudden all the newspapers are taking note of what has been out there for anyone to see for along time. As we all know, our dear mainstream media love Tenderloin stories that confirm how crime-infested this cesspool of a neighborhood is.

And of course, they’re trying to state that it’s all linked to a drop in police which is probably true to some degree. Fear not, though, as self-appointed neighborhood spokesman, Randy Shaw is there to defend the hood (I mean, look how concerned he looks). As usually, Shaw spits out one of his brilliant pearls of wisdom:

“When we started this study we knew it was bad, but it’s even worse than we thought,” said co-author Randy Shaw of the Tenderloin Housing Clinic, located at 34 Turk St.

Funny Randy, you don’t happen to think that having a massive, uncontrolled conglomeration of people who are down on their luck mixed with those who have substance abuse problems mixed with those who are physically/mentally handicapped would have anything to do with it, would you?

Gee- a half dozen roomer hotels, a liquor store, 2 parking lots, an overpriced convenience store, 3 whooker/strip lounges and a longwall that is painted to look like graffiti…this just screams uptown schmalz that attracts all the city social mavens.
This is where loitering laws make sense.
I don’t understand how this article can indict a neighborhood like that.

-Commenter tototu on Sfgate

Nah, why put two and two together when you can try state that obviously it’s a police problem which means that in turn, it’s a funding problem (of course!) and THC needs more moola, obviously. Oh, but I’m sure that the Uptown Tenderloin Museum would solve all the problems were it to get its $3.8 million. Still waiting to see the day that he heads to the BoS with his big mooching bag for that one.

Randy, wake up. You and your group are part of the problem, not the solution, and your legacy you’ll be leaving here smells very urine-y.

A beautiful view of the 100 block of Turk Street, from Google Maps